I do not often talk about my struggles in life because I am pretty confident about my mental and emotional health. I know I can make things better by focusing on the changes I need to make. But recently, things have been tougher than I thought because my depression is ruining my relationship.
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What Makes This Different From The Last Ones?
My mental health is unstable, and I know that for a fact. That is the reason why I am in therapy so that I can manage my emotional and mental state better. The frequent struggles are quite manageable because I happen to find ways to improve myself. Admittedly the first time was quite a lot to handle. Still, after a couple of therapy sessions and emotional regulation, I managed to get a hold of the coping strategies I needed.
It was a bit convenient for me to engage in coping strategies right after I was diagnosed with the mental illness. I often researched about it and understood its dos and don’ts. We talked about it, and people in my circle shared their personal experiences. Thus, my first encounter with depression was quite easy to understand since I have friends and family who also deal with the same condition.
However, this time, my depression tends to be different because it seems rooted in something else. I can’t seem to know where the deep dark emotions are coming from. I always asked myself and my therapist how this happened because I was pretty confident that I was getting better. Unfortunately, I am not.
I remember my few sessions with my therapist; she said my motivation to get better is admirable. So I genuinely couldn’t understand what went wrong. I know I am doing great and happy and living my best life. I know am emotionally and mentally capable. Or am I?
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How Does This Type Of Depression Affects Relationships?
The thing I noticed about this current depression is that I make people feel extremely uncomfortable. It is a type of depression that is built all around anger. I want to apologize for that. I can’t control myself. My friends and family’s presence is making me irritable and angry all the time. Their comments, whether good or bad, often feel unsolicited and depressing. Their actions also make it even worse.
This new level of depression I am enduring now makes me think that people around me are useless. I am stuck with the idea that they can’t help me find a way to get better. As much as I want to have them around, I always end up pushing them away by constantly insulting and humiliating them in front of other people. I make them feel bad for hanging with me or just being around me.
I am not prepared for this mental condition because I didn’t expect it would turn out this way. I never really thought I could become this unpredictably unfair and inconsiderate individual that people now hate. Honestly, I hate myself, too, for becoming like this.
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What Makes It Worse?
I will not lie, but I am honestly on my end. I am almost done trying to figure out what went wrong, and also fed up giving my best to get better. I am losing hope and do not want to continue working extra effort into this mental health problem.
I know it is a negative thing to do, and I know it is not the way. But my mind is telling me that I should just quit. It keeps pushing me to make bad decisions every day, and I cannot control it anymore. I wanted to improve, but the consistency of these negative thoughts was stronger than my will.
And the sad part is that I do not have a support group to encourage me to try harder because I have already pushed them away. They are not interested in helping me, and even getting near me is quite difficult for them now. This particular situation is extremely complicated because I need supportive people around. Yet, no one wants to be with me anymore.
I can’t blame them for leaving. I deserved to be treated this way because I acted irrationally at them. Instead of reaching out, I shut them down and hurt their feelings. Again, I wanted to ask for forgiveness, but I knew it would take them a lot of time to consider me back in their lives again.
Final Thoughts
I can’t force my family and friends to accept me for who I am because I know they are also struggling with their emotional and mental stabilities. It would be selfish to ask them to understand me when I didn’t try to understand them. All I can trust and rely on right now is my therapy treatment. I hope I can get better.